I've had a lot of miscellaneous ideas floating around my head this week, I've had some revelations about my life, and it's Valentines Day, so the possibilities of a post are endless. I was going to talk about idolatry, and "peace/love worshipers," there were all kinds of complicated theological ideas I thought about delving into. I could go into the complexities of Love and His love for us and how our love on earth relates to His love for us, etc. I could go into how I'm aware of how transient everything is, how good it feels for things to be stripped away, etc. All of these would inevitably lead to discussing my failings in areas of idolatry, sacrifice, and love, etc. and how I need to work on them and change them. Blah, blah, blah. These are all very important, but I talk about this all the time- I write to you about these things all the time, I'm in my head, using so many words all the time, over-thinking the world around me. And mostly, I like it that way, I work, well that way. I sat at my computer in my sunlit living room typing up some lengthy preachy post on idolatry and then I just got sick of it. So I'll write to you about what I did instead of writing you a preachy post.
I put on some subtly Christian folk music, opened up my balcony door, and stood on the threshold in my T-shirt and bare feet and let the sun fall on my free, bare arms. Let the cold February air come in and contrast with the warm light. I just stood there in the doorway, closing my eyes. I let the sunlight come in through my eyes and just saw the warm flesh tone of my eyelids- I could see the sun through them, it was so bright. Everything was melting, warming, the sky was bright, clouds were scattered, the snow still white and bright- but no longer suffocating. Life and freedom was in the air and God was just so present. He was right there and his love was all around me- outside me, and within me, within my memory as so many blessings in my life, cards, notes, funny anecdotes I had received from loved ones- flooded over me.
I felt the wind caress my face, brush back my hair. Ever since I was a child I always went outside to feel the wind on my face- I always felt like it was the closest I could get to God- like His hand was caressing me softly. When I felt scared or sad or lonely or just needed God, I would go out on my balcony or stick my head out the window just to feel the wind. I still remember a terrible night my freshman year of college where I went to the window, seeking redemption, answers, God's presence. I wanted it so desperately I stood by the window and I remember my dismay, how tragic it seemed when I could not feel the wind.
But none of that was here today- God was here and it felt so good. I stretched my arms up, held my palms out as if to take in all the light I could into my being. And I realized, no matter what I don't have, no matter what the future holds, I have all I need and I am genuinely happy. Today, God was my valentine. And here's the thing about God: He's the best a girl could hope for. He knows everything about you, knows you better than you could know yourself, has known you all your life, and he loves you exactly as you are, and he gave you a gift this Valentine's day: He gave you today.
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