November has come gently. Blue skies most days, sunlight brighter than days this deep in the year usually allow. Golden leaves still hanging on trees until just this week or so. Even now, with bare skeletons of trees the light is just colorful and full- the clouds are still billowy- more voluminous than November and winter usually allow. Even today the sunset was spectacular. Days have been warm- so many 60 degree days, even a few in the 70s. What happened to my grey frigid dark Novembers? If God is giving me a reprieve from my 5 Novembers/winters or trials, He's sure being clear about it- making it look like the safe summers I've always known. But He knows me, He knows I'm too dense to take anything but overt signals that everything will be ok.
And so, gently came November 18th, the last day of the seventieth week. It came up quietly, I did not realize it had come until I walked outside that morning and faced the sun. Something about the light reminded me. I suppose you're ready for some answers now, huh?
I prayed for 70 weeks about what God wanted me to do next, who I should do it with, where he wanted me to go, who he wanted me to be. I was looking for definitive answers, some clear cut logistical, obvious answers. The who, what, when, where, why or at least one of those.
But this was a journey rather than a destination so there's more to say than just a simple resolution. Upon arriving at November 18th there was nothing eventful, no specific revelation on that day- it has been continually evolving. And so I find myself at the end of quite the trip, but when faced with the end we find ourselves
means going back to the beginning. In fact, we find that where we began has completely defined where we have landed. Let's not forget that these 70 weeks began with 70 days of focusing on loving God properly- beginning here makes all the difference in the world and now I see so clearly why I've come to the answer I've come to.
In re-reading all my old posts I now clearly see the line between everything I was learning these 70 days/weeks and the conclusion I reached. The answer has been here all along. In fact, it's amazing that it took 70 weeks to get here when I had already stumbled upon this simple notion in week FIVE. Like I said, I'm dense.
I began these 70 weeks of prayer with less than open and completely God centered ideas. While I had open ended prayers on where God wanted me, who he wanted me to be, I had a very specific selfish question related to where I should go that I wanted answered. I had planned to deal with it at the end of my 70 weeks, so in these past few days, if God had given me the answer I wanted.
Heh.
Here's the thing about God- He almost never gives you the answer you wanted because you were too blind to know that it wasn't really want you wanted in the first place. God will give you the desires of your heart if you ask but often, God knows the desires of your heart better than you do.
Throughout the course of my 70 weeks I found myself completely leaving behind the idea that backed my original selfish twist on my overall "where am I going/who should I be/what should I do" prayer. My faith was tested, I went through some of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with emotionally, I had to kill idols and work to rebuild holes in my heart, and realized that 70 days wasn't enough to love God properly and, looking back, the entirety of my 70 weeks was learning about loving God properly. And of course, I still don't- but my relationship with God has changed drastically from where I started in July of 2010- in fact, while learning about agape in bible study last week we analyzed if our love for God was agape love. I was surprised to see that if it wasn't there, it was pretty close. I take so much more joy in God now that I did 70 weeks ago. More daily, momentary joy. I talk to Him so much more, I feel His peace so much more, He is with me all the time and I am much more aware of it than I used to be. Our relationship is less one sided and more, well, relationship-y.
Last year, the primary idol that kept me from loving God in this way was in its death throes as I heard the song, "I want you to be my love" by Over the Rhine. This is one of their lyrically simpler songs and I think people like it because it's a seemingly sweet and simple ode to a human love. I remember this song breaking my heart because I couldn't feel it- I couldn't say it to someone rightfully.
I think you need a reference point as this is the crux of the point that I'm making:
I want you to be my love
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love
I want you to know me now
I want you to know me now
Break a promise make a vow
I know you want me now
Like I want you
I want you to be my love
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love
'Cause I want you
I know all you--
All you've been through
Recently, I took a long drive through New England autumn and put on the album that contained that song- an album that once was very hard for me to listen to. And this time, when I heard "I want you to be my love" instead of thinking of trying to be able to feel and sing the words to someone, I heard them the way I think they are best expressed- in perhaps Over the Rhine meant them- as God singing to me, saying all of those words to me. And there it was.
70 weeks of prayer asking Where I should go, What I should do, Who I should be and God said, "I want you to be my love."
I want to laugh and cry and scream in relief and frustration and love all at the same time. I know this is God's answer and I know it's from God because, well, it's SO like God to do something like that.
Here I come to him asking for all these human-like answers- logistical answers, specific answers. I want to know what I need to DO to please Him and do his will? And does he give me anything particular, no. He just tells me to be His. This is particularly big for a person like me whose relationship with God is so based on doing/action fulfilling His will for me (almost in a prideful sense, thinking God has given me gifts for the purpose of using them for His glory- which is true- but to the point that I think He needs me, which He certainly does not)that for Him to answer a prayer like this in a way the involves me doing nothing but being with Him, has nothing to do with teaching, my calling, work, etc. is huge. I've said before that I'm more of a Martha than a Mary. I also talked in that post about my working on loving God properly in my 70 weeks because 70 days hadn't been sufficient. And here was God telling me, "Audrey, more than all the work you could do with all the gifts I've given you, with all the ways you've been growing in me, more than all the ways I'd like you to show my glory, I just want you to be my love." What is more beautiful and amazing than that? Sure, God has plans for me, sure God wants me to do things, but more than all of that- He just wants to be with me- even with "all (I've) been through"-only He can truly know all that- and yet loves me anyway.
Not only is this answer amazing for that reason, it's amazing because it builds off of what my 70 weeks turned out to really be about and how it started- loving God properly. All God really wants for me in my next phase of life- in my entire life, here and in eternity, is to have a relationship with Him and love Him with all my heart, my soul, my might.
Not only that, it builds on what I've felt especially convicted about recently: "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own." I heard the idea in bible study that if we knew exactly what was going to happen we wouldn't check with God all the time- we wouldn't be in as close a relationship with Him.
God is telling me right now that I don't need to worry about the specifics- He is the important part, the rest will come.
From a logistical stand point, I'm going to apply everywhere- IL/WI within 3 hour radius of Chicago and that dream school in Seattle. God has given me some clearer answers throughout my 70 weeks on just enough of the logistical things. He's basically saying that Chicago/IL/WI area is where I need to end up, although I don't know if it's for right now or later. All I know is it's in the future sometime and that New England is done after this year no matter how much I love and will miss my life here in a way I can't express. It's like God's singing that Sonic Youth song, "closing time"- "you don't have to go Home, but you can't stay here." Sorry New England, I don't mean to compare you to a seedy bar. So there's the most specificity I can give you, in case you really needed some of it after reading my blabbering blogs for so long.
But even if I don't know where I'll be in 9 months, in the next phase of my life, I know, better than I did when I began (and that's all I can ask for, really), who I will be in this next phase and forever- His beloved. And every day is filled with moments- love letters God is writing to me, reminding me over and over again,
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love
'Cause I want you
I know all you--
All you've been through.
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