Week 32: Happy Anniversary

My birthday is always a very poetic, metaphorical, and philosophical for me. I'm very thoughtful, pondering my life, my relationship with God and with others in my life, what I've accomplished, what I'm meant to accomplish, and who I'm supposed to be. Things also always seem to fall perfectly into place in a way that the events of my birthday always seem to lay out in a perfect representation or celebration of my life. And, maybe it's my imagination, but even nature/outside just seems to decorate itself- everything seems to greet me as a familiar friend- everything around me on my birthday seems to say, "I'm glad you were born." And thus, I can't help but feel the strong presence and love of God on my birthday. In fact, I think I look forward to my birthday primarily because I know I'll feel God's presence, feel a stronger sense of His purpose for me, and just have a better understanding of his unending love for me in a way that I don't normally comprehend the other days of the year.

This year, was no exception to all of that. It Began at midnight while I played Switchfoot's "Always"- one of my favorites to listen to around my birthday. At 11:59 the song began, "This is the start, this is your heart, this is the day you were born. This is the sun, these are your lungs, this is the day you were born." and just as the word 'born' ended, the clock struck 12 am and it was indeed, the day I was born.
I awoke early in the low pre-dawn light. Laying in my bed drowsily, I saw the moon, beautiful and nearly full out my window hanging in the light blue sky and I just felt God' presence because it felt as though He had placed that moon there just for me. Work was full of blessings- my students make me laugh and love. From spraying me with water and yelling, "beach party!" to singing happy birthday in the best/most fun way possible (a happy birthday song from my students is the best happy birthday song you're going to get). I left work to a blustery February night with a bright sapphire blue sky studded by stars, outlined by rickety skeletons of trees scratching the surface of the night sky. It reminded me of the episode of "sex and the city" where it's Carrie's birthday and she realizes how much she appreciates her best friends- how important her friends are in her life despite the fact that she's another year older and she looks up at the moon and the rickety bare trees by her apartment and she lets her balloons float into the sky. I feel like today was all like that- just appreciating what I have in my life and not being angry or sad about what I don't have. I just spent the day realizing how blessed I was. I went out to dinner with a good mix of friends and was so touched that some of my friends made an effort to come out all this way to see me and to spend time with me even though not all of them knew each other. For coming out here only a year and a half ago, I sure am incredibly lucky to have found so many great groups of friends here.
I drove home, beneath the starlight, the moon large and mystical looking through the trees, listening to the wind rush past my car, catching glimpses of the lantern lights of the stores on top of the dark hills. And like every birthday, I spent some quality time with God, just reveling in his presence and love. I did not dwell, as I often do, on my failings- how I fail to be who God wants me to be in daily activities. Instead, I just felt His pure, forgiving love for me. And I realized something: what I really have been celebrating on my birthday these past few years when I philosophize, think about my life/relationship with God and just enjoy the fact that He gave me another year on earth is my anniversary with God. It really seems to fit the nature of what goes on in my head/heart/spiritual life on my birthday.

While God's love is eternal and thus has no beginning and no end, the day that I was born was the beginning of that love being made obvious (or even "official") to the world because it was then that I began to exist and His love for me could be pinned to a love He had for an actual tangible human form. It was also the beginning of when I began to experience His love. So, today I celebrated my 24th anniversary with God. I spent most of it appreciating and living out His love in all the forms it comes in and in the end, I went home to Him, spent quiet time with Him, and just let His love wash over me. I feel so much peace, reaffirmed in what I'm meant for and that God really is working in my life, carrying out a plan, and leading me where He wants me. And who knows, next year when I celebrate my next "anniversary" I'll have an idea of what I'm doing in the next phase of my life and two years from today, I'll be living that next phase. How time flies. But, I have faith, as I always do on my birthday, that God is leading me towards all the good I need in my life and towards all the places He wants me.

Thus, it was another happy birthday- really, a happy anniversary- a celebration of 24 years of a life together with God.

Week 31: Blah, Blah, Blah... Love and Sunshine!

I've had a lot of miscellaneous ideas floating around my head this week, I've had some revelations about my life, and it's Valentines Day, so the possibilities of a post are endless. I was going to talk about idolatry, and "peace/love worshipers," there were all kinds of complicated theological ideas I thought about delving into. I could go into the complexities of Love and His love for us and how our love on earth relates to His love for us, etc. I could go into how I'm aware of how transient everything is, how good it feels for things to be stripped away, etc. All of these would inevitably lead to discussing my failings in areas of idolatry, sacrifice, and love, etc. and how I need to work on them and change them. Blah, blah, blah. These are all very important, but I talk about this all the time- I write to you about these things all the time, I'm in my head, using so many words all the time, over-thinking the world around me. And mostly, I like it that way, I work, well that way. I sat at my computer in my sunlit living room typing up some lengthy preachy post on idolatry and then I just got sick of it. So I'll write to you about what I did instead of writing you a preachy post.

I put on some subtly Christian folk music, opened up my balcony door, and stood on the threshold in my T-shirt and bare feet and let the sun fall on my free, bare arms. Let the cold February air come in and contrast with the warm light. I just stood there in the doorway, closing my eyes. I let the sunlight come in through my eyes and just saw the warm flesh tone of my eyelids- I could see the sun through them, it was so bright. Everything was melting, warming, the sky was bright, clouds were scattered, the snow still white and bright- but no longer suffocating. Life and freedom was in the air and God was just so present. He was right there and his love was all around me- outside me, and within me, within my memory as so many blessings in my life, cards, notes, funny anecdotes I had received from loved ones- flooded over me.
I felt the wind caress my face, brush back my hair. Ever since I was a child I always went outside to feel the wind on my face- I always felt like it was the closest I could get to God- like His hand was caressing me softly. When I felt scared or sad or lonely or just needed God, I would go out on my balcony or stick my head out the window just to feel the wind. I still remember a terrible night my freshman year of college where I went to the window, seeking redemption, answers, God's presence. I wanted it so desperately I stood by the window and I remember my dismay, how tragic it seemed when I could not feel the wind.

But none of that was here today- God was here and it felt so good. I stretched my arms up, held my palms out as if to take in all the light I could into my being. And I realized, no matter what I don't have, no matter what the future holds, I have all I need and I am genuinely happy. Today, God was my valentine. And here's the thing about God: He's the best a girl could hope for. He knows everything about you, knows you better than you could know yourself, has known you all your life, and he loves you exactly as you are, and he gave you a gift this Valentine's day: He gave you today.

Week 30: The good news: "Everything you love will be taken away"

If you haven't heard the "Good News" it's that God loves you so much that he sent his only son Jesus to be your savior, to die for your sins and if you believe in him, they are washed away. But if you have heard THE "Good News" I wonder what you think good news is.
Well, Slaid Cleaves, a kind of grifter folk singer has some good news for you. He doesn't realize it's good, but that's because I don't think he truly knows about THE "Good News." The good news Slaid proclaims is that "everything you love will be taken away."
I heard that song performed at open mic a few months ago and today, while driving, singing along to Sugarland as a form of praise music (because Jesus and I are "stuck like glue"), I switched over to my favorite obscure local Boston folk radio station and Slaid's song, "Cry" came on. It was completing fitting with something I'd read this morning by C.S. Lewis and as much as this song is of a very hopeless and depressing nature, I found it incredibly uplifting.

The song discusses a few different relationships, how they will fade- it talks of worldly things that will die- "even blue skies fade to grey, everything you love will be taken away." It conveys the idea that as much as you want to hold onto worldly things that will make you happy- they will soon be gone. Although, it does not provide an alternative happiness explicitly. I think the intention was to assume defeat, that nothing good is redeemed when "everything you love will be taken away."

Now Clive Staples is a little more optimistic than Slaid Cleaves. In "A slip of the tongue" he speaks of how we attempt to keep some part of our lives for ourselves. In my case, that had been my personal relationships- thinking that was something for me, not for God to take control of. Although, as you may have read in some of my posts in the past couple of months, I'm in a better place now- I've had a few major revelations. But, while God will forgive us for our many mistakes, he does not tolerate our intentional and constant refusal to give a part of our sinful selves in to His will.
But giving ALL of yourself to God is easier said than done. It's a frightening thing- it means giving everything you love (except for God) away. Thus, you have to give up all of your worldly loves- even your family, relationships, friends. This doesn't mean stop loving them, you just release your will in controlling, choosing, and influencing them to God. You must be in a place where you would give everything you love away to He whom you (should) love most. You must be in a place where you are honestly willing to do this- and I've found myself called to cash in that idea where I have been told by God I really did have to give up something I loved.
Fortunately, because we have a loving God, He will, as long as it is within His will (and thus likely in our best interest), frequently give us back all that we surrender to Him.

So, giving away all you love is different than it being taken. But at some point, even if you're given back what you surrendered, at some point, it will have to go, and will be gone. Maybe not forever, but you won't see it again this side of eternity and when you see it again, it won't be the same- it will mean something else, it will likely have become part of something different and greater.

There was a point years ago when I came to a personally startling realization: that in the end, I would be alone. We surround ourselves with people: friends, family- hoping we will not be alone, that people will know who we are. But in the end, who really knows who you truly are and who you've been? Your parents know you better than you know yourself sometimes- they knew you since you were born. But they may only know you half your life. They won't see you in your later years. Your spouse probably didn't see your youthful, growing years and they may not even see your last few years. Your friends, they may know you longest, but they'll likely not know you your entire life long. The only one that knows all of you is God. And in the end, no matter how many people surround you when you die, they're not with you when you move into eternity. At least not at first, I don't think, if at all. In the end it's just you, yourself and God. And I find that comforting.

I often think the world gets in the way of my relationship with God- I love so much, but I don't love purely and I don't always love what counts. And even if I do love what counts, sometimes it takes away from my pure focus on God. And so, it sounds comforting that in the end, all the things I loved will be stripped away leaving me to the purest, cleanest, simplest relationship with my God. He and I are all that remain. The good news is, that everything you love will be taken away- except God, He'll stay- and you'll understand that everything you ever really loved was always only Him in the first place.