Week 62: A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?
Langston Hughes asked me in my high school English class. I knew that I could perhaps not truly feel his pain of being prevented from his dream by prejudice for I was born into very fortunate circumstances. But, his question still hit home for me, being a dreamer myself. I could only imagine how painful it would be if the dream I had held for so long- the calling I had felt since childhood to teach and make a difference in the lives of special needs children- had been deferred.

But hasn't it? In a way? I have been questioning more and more lately where I should go from here- if really teaching in a typical setting is how I should proceed next. It was what I always visualized, perhaps really what I dreamed of- teaching special needs children in a classroom in a public school (or something modeled like it). Now I wonder if I shouldn't consult, work in a therapeutic setting, teach teachers, teach in another special school, or go into ministry. Maybe I should quit the whole thing and apply for some fellowship, travel the world, write, volunteer in Guatemala. People always tell me I can do "more" than teach. I think they mean something more prestigious, more adventurous, more interesting by societal standards- but really, there is nothing more you can do than make a difference in a child's life- then teach someone the key skills to a satisfying and successful life. But in my weaker moments, I sometimes think I might agree with society and this week was one of them. This week I found myself in an existential crisis questioning what to do when I've always felt the call to teach. And then I thought of Langston's words.
Has not my dream been deferred? First I, like everyone waited through college, working toward my dream, but never quite there. Then, unlike everyone, I felt unready to pursue teaching in a regular setting where I was behaviorally and educationally responsible for all my students- their only line of defense, if you will, in circumstances with few resources (very unlike where I teach now). So, I deferred my dream for the sake of it itself- to learn more to be a better teacher to be more prepared to serve my students. And while I'm teaching now, it's a different kind of teaching- I'm not a classroom teacher. I miss legitimately teaching children a concept, presenting it, and working with the same student on the same objective day after day and seeing them make progress- not just on paper like I do now- but right before my eyes. I miss the personal contact of direct, continuous instruction and the joy that comes when you teach a child to do something. I have not truly taught in the way that I dreamed of teaching for sometime- and not really as I truly dreamed of teaching (more effectively- I was not as effective as I would have liked as a student teacher in college).
My dream has been deferred.

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Does it just go away? No, not this one- other things came in perhaps to try to replace it, but it remains

Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Perhaps this is more the case. I festers, it eventually grows into something inside me that begins to yearn to break free. It festered when I first came to this job- wanting to do more education/curricular work- I was prideful and angry at times. And then pushes to break free and run- making me ache sometimes.


Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
But often I forget, forget the ache and the yearning. It crusts over syrupy sweet- the raw truth of my calling has been sugared over so I get caught up in all the work I do and can gently, unconsciously, forget it.

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
No maybe about this one

Or does it explode?
Explodes into questions- and eventually a beast uncontainable that you must live out no matter the cost or explodes into unrecognizable pieces of its original form and leaves you to make something, perhaps a new dream, out of what's left. I hope for the former before the latter because honestly, I don't want a new dream, I don't want pieces of a dream- I want this dream.
This week, as I watched my student giggle happily, free from limitations allowing her to attend an event like typical students I realized there is nothing "more" that I could want than this- nothing "more" I could do than to live out the dream of doing the kind of work that allows students to live lives with moments like that one.
And honestly, we're nearing the end- it won't be long now before, if God continues to lead me in the way I've been led this week, this dream is no longer deferred