I'm not going to say much (well, comparatively speaking. By now you probably know to stop reading after a few paragraphs because these posts soon become epistles). If you read my last post, you know that last week was the breaking point of my exhaustion. It was not a sudden burst of it or just one bad week, it was the culmination and realization of something bad that had building up a long time and was threatening my being. Man do I hate evil- well, at least I hate it most of the time when I recognize it for what it is (which I don't always do, I confess).
But prayer is an amazing thing and our God is an amazing God so this week has been much better. But this is not one of those uplifting, sha-la-la,-things-are-terrible, but-God-makes-everything-wonderful-again-in-the-blink of an eye posts. Because if it were, that would imply that my problem was just a poor state of mood, a bad week, or even just me not realizing some key fact and then, because of some revelation or God's presence, everything was miraculously perfect again. This is not that story.
Not to say that God couldn't or even doesn't make everything wonderful or make everything miraculously perfect, but I feel like God doesn't usually choose to work that way, at least not in this type of situation. In some cases, where the problem is a single incorrect notion or a simply distance from God, or some kind a problem between you and God, He can and sometimes does instantly make everything feel right with the world again, depending on the situation.
This darkness that took up residence inside of my and the slump that followed was not a problem between me and God, it was a problem between me and evil, and thus, a problem between me and myself for which I enlisted the help of God. In fact, I came to realize the problem was that I had tried to fight off darkness for so long on my own, trying to be strong enough, forgetting to tap into God's strength, and so I became tired, weak, and fell prey to all sorts of dark thoughts.
Even my roommate and co-workers were thrown off by how off I was. After being somewhat snappy and terse about something or another one of my co-workers asked very concernedly if I was okay. Talking to my roommate this week she recalled, "I didn't know what to do. I've never seen you like this before." Long story short, I was not okay.
But I digress, the point here is that my problem was and is the continual problem of all human kind- that of having a constantly sinful nature and needing to make an effort to battle it. The problem was with my own will, giving it over to God, and doing the work it takes to give it over (which is kind of an interesting notion, but I won't go into that now). Because God gives us free will, he won't force us to give our will over to Him and force our decisions and thoughts on a daily basis to change for the better. And this is what I needed, to change them for the better, work on continually loving people. Thus, by that logic, God would not do something miraculous to make everything better because the source of my problem is within the domain of myself over which God has given me free reign. And free reign over myself, well, that's just trouble. Thank God I have God to help me out and guide me, right?
So, this week has not been easy, it has been a continual effort to work on loving people all the time and make an effort to live my life in Christ, to go back to making the efforts I was before this exhaustion took over. And it's hard getting back on the wagon. And of course, a whole ton of prayer and quality God time has been involved. After a few days I just felt the joy come back- I could see beauty in the world again. The fog that highlighted everything, every edge of the hills thrilled me, I felt like I was flying into the sunrise as I drove to work on a beautiful day listening to music my best friend burned for me. I genuinely laughed with my students and friends, and I finally appreciated a few moments of work for being precious and something that I will not be able to hold until. I was able to cherish moments of my life again. It's amazing and interesting how loving and working on walking in Christ taps you into this fountain of Joy. But I suppose that makes sense as God IS pure joy (among many other things), so tapping into Him means tapping into Joy itself.
This week the grass even came up- there is green on my planet again. I can't tell you how much the sight of that just opens up my soul and makes me feel alive again. It shoots up through the dark dirt and is suddenly green and bright, feeding off the light. Perhaps this culmination, this realization of the darkness that had enveloped me was like the final straw, the last second I could take from winter before I broke through the darkness, out into the light with new life.
Today I played the piano next to my open balcony door, the sunlight streaming in, a soft breeze playing with my hair as if God were continually saying hello. I played bright, happy, notes, major staccato chords. Improvising, letting the notes float out on the breeze that had a breath like summer. My roommate came in the door and asked how I was as I joyfully plinked away on the keys, I smiled and said I was amazing, that it was a beautiful day.
I am much better, although I am still not all the way okay. But glory hallelujah it is spring, there is new life in the world around me, there is new life in my chest, and by His Grace there is redemption so if I praying, keep working, keep looking for the light, I think I'll be more than fine.
Lloyd (see week 37) was right, I can give my love, my light, away freely, because God gives it right back. He restores our souls. Of course, the process of giving out our light is continual and one that requires constant effort and diligence, it is not some miraculous quick fix. Giving out light is a life long project that is easy to view as a chore, that is, until He fills you back up with light even brighter than you could conceive, and when you remember that, you can't help but give it out freely and joyfully.
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