When Flogging Molly sings this, I don't think they were implying anything about Jesus. But to I'm sure many artist's chagrin (if they were ever to find out), I hear Jesus in even the most secularly intended music (If only Jay-Z knew that I heard "hallelujah" instead of "New York" in Empire State of mind and had a really great spiritual moment. So much for "life starts when the church ends").
It's Easter, He is risen, and really the first to leave this world Alive (And in a much more live way than we'll be, I think- but that's just because He is the definition of Life itself, so how can we compete with that?). My Easter experience got me thinking about life and being alive and I have been thrown into a menagerie of thoughts, so forgive the random episodes of differing topics in this post, they are the product of a lively day where my thoughts drift in and out, changing with the restless spring wind and altering light.
This was my first Easter away from home, and the "Easter Bunny" mailed me a package a few days before full of amazing goodies even though I'm 24 and 1,000 miles away from home. I went to church- which was packed and bright and cheerful and I was reminded how much I love it and how much I'll miss it when I move for my next phase of life in a little over a year.
A couple in their 80s invited me over for brunch- more like insisted. Louie, the husband, who makes me desserts and brings them to church just for me, asked if I had anything to do, and when I said I didn't, wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Louie is an awesome guy who I bonded with as his son has a very similar form of cancer as my mother and he asks me how she's doing every week.
Anyway, East Sunday finds me at a kitchen table with three 80 year olds (the couple and Joan's brother in law)in a house that has been owned by Joan's (the wife part of the couple) family for 80+ years. The door is open and a breeze wafts through the screen door as I drink ginger ale and a glass of ice water. I look out at a backyard that would only belong to older people: bird feeders and squirrel feeders (refilled religiously, as would not be the case with busy, younger people unless they were especially bird obsessed) set up everywhere, perennial bulb plants, ancient desks and things from another life out on the porch with flowers brought from church sitting on top of the desk, blooming right in my view. The walls of her kitchen were covered in pictures and notes, trinkets, crosses, phone numbers, etc.Duplicate products of which she probably had a few (like plastic wrap, etc) but forgot she bought it so had more, were stacked on shelves. I ate real food, made from scratch, in the old, simple, but delicious style, the way that the older generation cooks- with butter and brown sugar- no new special ethnic spices, nothing processed or prepared. Louie had made most of it. I sat there eating real, fresh cut carrots, homemade apple pie, looking out into the back yard, completely at ease. It reminded me of my childhood growing up in my grandparents' house. There is something so magical and real and poetic and perfect about real houses that are lived in, decorated with life rather than perfectly planned decor. Something wonderful that allows your imagination to go wild about places with real yards, where an older way of life persists. I grew up in some combination of the 1930s, 1960s, and 1970s.I did not have a computer or cable TV until 7th or 8th grade and never had video games. I spent my time writing, playing in the backyard. I never had a barbie dream house, I made them out of cardboard boxes, using Tupperware and odds and ends as furniture. I've always cherished my childhood, and I felt like I revisited it, almost as though I had Sunday Brunch with my grandparents- I found myself talking about my real grandparents, which I rarely do as I have little occasion for it.
At the same time however, the situation was saddening. Conversation turned to Joan's sister, who her brother-in-law, Earl, had just visited in the nursing home. All he talked about was her, how she ate, what floor she was on. His eyes were sad, he was quiet, thin and hollow looking- they talked of how worn out he had been taking care of his wife before she went to the nursing home. How long had this been going on? People are old and face medical issues for a long long time- it seems it takes some people 20 or 30 years to die. I couldn't imagine such a thing,taking care of someone who is sick, living that, and for such a long, extended period of time. Except, I almost can imagine it- thinking about my mother and how her medical issues never seem to end- the only thing that keeps me going is that it will go away and get better, one way or the other. But with Louie moving about the house in his tired gait (and yet he's more active and able than my mother who is 20 years younger), Joan talking about watching her sugar intake and all the things they cannot eat, Louie saying "don't ever get old," and the sorrow in Earl's eyes, I wondered, "how many of us leave this world alive?"
Of course, none of us get out of it alive physically, but how often does the physical decay of our bodies and of the loved ones around us get into our being, weary our soul, until spiritually, we are no longer alive? Do we find ourselves hopeless, scrambling around, grumbling at the spouse we've known for 50+ years, only to wake up and find we don't know them anymore?
I am so so frightened of growing old- I've always thought I would die young. And it's not growing old physically as much as it is spiritually, mentally- I'm afraid that somewhere along the line, this world will kill my soul, that I won't leave this world alive. Maybe Jesus then will bring me back to life? But you can't live this life dead, and you can't be effective in your ministry or be the hands and feet of Jesus if your soul is dead.
I think of this fear and what it means to my next phase of life: how do I find a career that won't kill me? A teaching job that won't kill my soul, where I won't feel that all I'm doing is failing students as I have for the past 7 years now? Can I be in a relationship, get married, and trust that it won't suck the life out of me, that I won't suck the life out of someone else? That I can have children and not have everything sucked out of me, that I won't damage them?
Dying is easy (when it actually happens) life (and living while slowly dying) is hard.
I suppose all we can do is pray for the faith and grace to see the beauty in the world, to see and feel God with us so all the slow death doesn't kill us, so we can leave this world Alive.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Week 39: Why I am not not a Christian
My calling is an interesting one. I'm called to teach children in the most effective way possible and thus have been called into Applied Behavior Analysis, a field who's theoretical foundations (rooted in science, phenomenology, and evolution) as well as it's suppositions about how behavior is controlled (which negate free will) are often contradictory to the faith and belief that convicts me to pursue behavior analysis in the first place. God's a funny guy. Why does this matter to my 70 weeks? Because threats to my belief are always going to impact any decisions I make and because what I pursue after I leave here depends on how I view God and even my field in relation to God.
Moving on: I read Bertrand Russell's "Why I am not a Christian" for class (Theoretical Foundations of Applied Behavior Analysis). I have struggled with Christianity and Behavior Analysis as conflicting philosophies for a long time, and always settled on the idea that professionally, I am a teacher who uses behavior analysis practices (while still a Christian) and spiritually, I am a Christian (not a behavior analyst, as some allow it to seep even into that realm). I found that our friend Bertrand has a lot of holes and in the end, his view of things and what it inspires struck me in an incredibly painful way, proving even further, why I am not "not a Christian"
Primary points (most of these are what Russell claims are Christianity's support for its claims, he then refutes, I then refute Russell- the last few are other important notes not part of the list of Christian claims he discusses)
*First Cause- something must be the original cause of everything
-Russell says that this theory is flawed as if there must be a first cause for everything, there must be a cause for God
-I disagree both with Russell and somewhat with the first cause theory. The problem with both is that they assume that God exists within time. Time allows for first, last, successive, etc. When time does not exist, “first” and thus “first cause” cannot exist, thus, exempting God from first cause theory as well as the notion that something had to create God. You could argue that we do not have the pre-requisite skills to prove or disprove God’s existence because we live on a temporal plane, not an eternal plane.
*Natural Law- that all things in the universe are governed by natural laws/do what they do due to God
-Russell says that when we examine things that appear to be natural laws we find they are simply human conventions or chance
- However, natural laws can be explained by observations within the universe. But our ability to observe and see environmental causation does not mean that there is not a source for these laws. At one point, these laws had to be created, and their intricacy suggests design. Too often we attempt to apply natural Laws to God and make Him fit them rather than apply God to natural laws to God and make them fall under Him, their creator.
*Design- that everything in the world was carefully planned so it could be lived in and would be unlivable if there were even small alterations.
-Russell says that evolution shows that the environment was not made to suit us but that we change to suit our environment, thus negating design. He also argues that if something omnipotent and omniscient designed the world, it has flaws and is in a state of decay. Why would something divine design something broken?
-I disagree because, true design implies that everything is designed to function in a certain way with one another in a way that it exists for however long it is designed to exist for. This does not require the environment to alter but it does require something to alter- and in the case of our universe it is the organisms that alter and evolve and change their environment to suit them. An omnipotent and omniscient designer would be remiss if it did not create flexible, adaptable creatures. Also, the assumption that the world has flaws/is in a state of decay, assumes the notion of flaws, assuming that there is good and bad. Which begs the question: What is the source of good and evil? Where do they come from? Design can also account for this- the design is not ours, and the design may not be necessarily beneficial for us (in ways that we can conceive it), thus, the universe may have been designed to burn out, human kind may have been designed to fall(not that I necessary believe this- I'm just pointing out holes in Russell's argument). The assumption that design theory necessitates a perfect design is remiss. A designer may very well design something broken with the purpose of fixing it or with any other number of purposes that we cannot guess at as we are not the designer.
*Christianity and religion in general is not something someone reasons himself into, it comes from emotion, not logic- this is a general point Russell makes, explaining that one does not become a Christian only because logic leads him to it. And here, I agree with Russell, but I suppose being a Christian, there is a bias that leads me to believe this is a good thing that Russell, not having experienced this, cannot understand. While I recognize that in many ways, a belief in God actually is logical, and the belief of many may be backed up by logic, no one comes to true belief only for the sake of logic alone. Doing something purely out of logic sucks the life out of it, sucks the faith out of it. You can't have belief without faith, you can't have faith if logic is the only reason you do anything.
The professor of the class where we discussed this talked about his atheism and how Russell did not make him an Atheist, Priests being inappropriate with little boys did. That is not only a terribly sad statement because it means he lost faith through the sins of other men, and because he doesn't have the understanding to differentiate between who God is and the sins of men- how the sins of men should not prove that God does not exist. It also proves that even for a man who claims to be primarily logical, for a man well known for his work in an incredibly scientific field based on theory contradictory to many forms of religious faith, did not come to be an atheist by logic, but though emotion. Not just belief, but lack of belief (which is a belief unto itself, so thus, all forms of belief or belief of nothing) can, and often, come from emotion, not logic.
Needless to say this class sent me into an emotional tailspin for a few reasons. First because some of Russell's support for his ideas were just awful and I knew it, but I needed more evidence to support Christianity. Second (and this is one of the reasons I was very emotional), was that I just felt sorrow and compassion for my professor given many of the things he said that were very telling about his faith, lack of understanding of God, sin, and basic theological concepts that are necessary to understand Christianity at all. Basically, it led to me experiencing something that's been happening more often lately- I feel as though I'm seeing aspects of a person in the way God sees them (minimally of course, my brain doesn't have the capacity for all that understanding) and suddenly feel compassion and sorrow for them and sense how much God longs after them. Third and finally, because we talked so much in this respect, I began trying to imagine the world without God, without a creator, looking at it, trying to see it as though it was all there was. There was nothing beyond it, nothing moving among it that was greater- it was all at face value, and thus, it all looked empty and meaningless. I wanted to stop, I couldn't look at the world that way. It hurt my heart, literally gave me a hollow feeling in my stomach, the kind you get when someone has died or you've broken up with someone and you find yourself reminded of them.
Only, everything in the world reminds me of God, and when I tried to view it as an atheist, scientifically, etc. and imagined it without God, it felt like someone I loved had died- worse- had never even existed. And in a way it was true, in that moment, in that thought, the God I loved was dead- at least in my current view. So, I hated thinking like this, but I couldn't help it because I felt like stopping viewing the world that way was like just stopping because it hurt- I wasn't being analytical enough. I'm a philosopher, I question, I don't just stop questioning or believe something because it's more pleasant, I believe something because it's the truth, I stop questioning because I have found the truth. So, I had to meditate on and really think out my faith to justify ceasing viewing the world in an atheistic way. I had a lot of thought time and conversations with great friends who made me feel much better and helped me talk and think through things and I was good again.
But for that day, I realized what it would be like to go without a God- how it is really the worst thing I could possibly endure: to stop believing in a God. The world was so empty. Not that I was good at being an atheist, I kept accidentally thinking, "God, what is your plan for me and these atheistic thoughts" as if, this way of viewing the world as Godless was God's plan. I'd make a terrible atheist. For a better explanation of that experience see my poem: http://visionofjohanna.livejournal.com/51599.html
This sudden attack on my faith was interesting- affecting me emotionally and intellectually. I felt anger and loss at the same time, and honestly, freaked out a little bit.
Bertrand Russell, what a guy. As my mom said when I told her, "oh, Bertrand Russell?! That jerk just needed to get laid."
Moving on: I read Bertrand Russell's "Why I am not a Christian" for class (Theoretical Foundations of Applied Behavior Analysis). I have struggled with Christianity and Behavior Analysis as conflicting philosophies for a long time, and always settled on the idea that professionally, I am a teacher who uses behavior analysis practices (while still a Christian) and spiritually, I am a Christian (not a behavior analyst, as some allow it to seep even into that realm). I found that our friend Bertrand has a lot of holes and in the end, his view of things and what it inspires struck me in an incredibly painful way, proving even further, why I am not "not a Christian"
Primary points (most of these are what Russell claims are Christianity's support for its claims, he then refutes, I then refute Russell- the last few are other important notes not part of the list of Christian claims he discusses)
*First Cause- something must be the original cause of everything
-Russell says that this theory is flawed as if there must be a first cause for everything, there must be a cause for God
-I disagree both with Russell and somewhat with the first cause theory. The problem with both is that they assume that God exists within time. Time allows for first, last, successive, etc. When time does not exist, “first” and thus “first cause” cannot exist, thus, exempting God from first cause theory as well as the notion that something had to create God. You could argue that we do not have the pre-requisite skills to prove or disprove God’s existence because we live on a temporal plane, not an eternal plane.
*Natural Law- that all things in the universe are governed by natural laws/do what they do due to God
-Russell says that when we examine things that appear to be natural laws we find they are simply human conventions or chance
- However, natural laws can be explained by observations within the universe. But our ability to observe and see environmental causation does not mean that there is not a source for these laws. At one point, these laws had to be created, and their intricacy suggests design. Too often we attempt to apply natural Laws to God and make Him fit them rather than apply God to natural laws to God and make them fall under Him, their creator.
*Design- that everything in the world was carefully planned so it could be lived in and would be unlivable if there were even small alterations.
-Russell says that evolution shows that the environment was not made to suit us but that we change to suit our environment, thus negating design. He also argues that if something omnipotent and omniscient designed the world, it has flaws and is in a state of decay. Why would something divine design something broken?
-I disagree because, true design implies that everything is designed to function in a certain way with one another in a way that it exists for however long it is designed to exist for. This does not require the environment to alter but it does require something to alter- and in the case of our universe it is the organisms that alter and evolve and change their environment to suit them. An omnipotent and omniscient designer would be remiss if it did not create flexible, adaptable creatures. Also, the assumption that the world has flaws/is in a state of decay, assumes the notion of flaws, assuming that there is good and bad. Which begs the question: What is the source of good and evil? Where do they come from? Design can also account for this- the design is not ours, and the design may not be necessarily beneficial for us (in ways that we can conceive it), thus, the universe may have been designed to burn out, human kind may have been designed to fall(not that I necessary believe this- I'm just pointing out holes in Russell's argument). The assumption that design theory necessitates a perfect design is remiss. A designer may very well design something broken with the purpose of fixing it or with any other number of purposes that we cannot guess at as we are not the designer.
*Christianity and religion in general is not something someone reasons himself into, it comes from emotion, not logic- this is a general point Russell makes, explaining that one does not become a Christian only because logic leads him to it. And here, I agree with Russell, but I suppose being a Christian, there is a bias that leads me to believe this is a good thing that Russell, not having experienced this, cannot understand. While I recognize that in many ways, a belief in God actually is logical, and the belief of many may be backed up by logic, no one comes to true belief only for the sake of logic alone. Doing something purely out of logic sucks the life out of it, sucks the faith out of it. You can't have belief without faith, you can't have faith if logic is the only reason you do anything.
The professor of the class where we discussed this talked about his atheism and how Russell did not make him an Atheist, Priests being inappropriate with little boys did. That is not only a terribly sad statement because it means he lost faith through the sins of other men, and because he doesn't have the understanding to differentiate between who God is and the sins of men- how the sins of men should not prove that God does not exist. It also proves that even for a man who claims to be primarily logical, for a man well known for his work in an incredibly scientific field based on theory contradictory to many forms of religious faith, did not come to be an atheist by logic, but though emotion. Not just belief, but lack of belief (which is a belief unto itself, so thus, all forms of belief or belief of nothing) can, and often, come from emotion, not logic.
Needless to say this class sent me into an emotional tailspin for a few reasons. First because some of Russell's support for his ideas were just awful and I knew it, but I needed more evidence to support Christianity. Second (and this is one of the reasons I was very emotional), was that I just felt sorrow and compassion for my professor given many of the things he said that were very telling about his faith, lack of understanding of God, sin, and basic theological concepts that are necessary to understand Christianity at all. Basically, it led to me experiencing something that's been happening more often lately- I feel as though I'm seeing aspects of a person in the way God sees them (minimally of course, my brain doesn't have the capacity for all that understanding) and suddenly feel compassion and sorrow for them and sense how much God longs after them. Third and finally, because we talked so much in this respect, I began trying to imagine the world without God, without a creator, looking at it, trying to see it as though it was all there was. There was nothing beyond it, nothing moving among it that was greater- it was all at face value, and thus, it all looked empty and meaningless. I wanted to stop, I couldn't look at the world that way. It hurt my heart, literally gave me a hollow feeling in my stomach, the kind you get when someone has died or you've broken up with someone and you find yourself reminded of them.
Only, everything in the world reminds me of God, and when I tried to view it as an atheist, scientifically, etc. and imagined it without God, it felt like someone I loved had died- worse- had never even existed. And in a way it was true, in that moment, in that thought, the God I loved was dead- at least in my current view. So, I hated thinking like this, but I couldn't help it because I felt like stopping viewing the world that way was like just stopping because it hurt- I wasn't being analytical enough. I'm a philosopher, I question, I don't just stop questioning or believe something because it's more pleasant, I believe something because it's the truth, I stop questioning because I have found the truth. So, I had to meditate on and really think out my faith to justify ceasing viewing the world in an atheistic way. I had a lot of thought time and conversations with great friends who made me feel much better and helped me talk and think through things and I was good again.
But for that day, I realized what it would be like to go without a God- how it is really the worst thing I could possibly endure: to stop believing in a God. The world was so empty. Not that I was good at being an atheist, I kept accidentally thinking, "God, what is your plan for me and these atheistic thoughts" as if, this way of viewing the world as Godless was God's plan. I'd make a terrible atheist. For a better explanation of that experience see my poem: http://visionofjohanna.livejournal.com/51599.html
This sudden attack on my faith was interesting- affecting me emotionally and intellectually. I felt anger and loss at the same time, and honestly, freaked out a little bit.
Bertrand Russell, what a guy. As my mom said when I told her, "oh, Bertrand Russell?! That jerk just needed to get laid."
Monday, April 11, 2011
Week 38: New Life
I'm not going to say much (well, comparatively speaking. By now you probably know to stop reading after a few paragraphs because these posts soon become epistles). If you read my last post, you know that last week was the breaking point of my exhaustion. It was not a sudden burst of it or just one bad week, it was the culmination and realization of something bad that had building up a long time and was threatening my being. Man do I hate evil- well, at least I hate it most of the time when I recognize it for what it is (which I don't always do, I confess).
But prayer is an amazing thing and our God is an amazing God so this week has been much better. But this is not one of those uplifting, sha-la-la,-things-are-terrible, but-God-makes-everything-wonderful-again-in-the-blink of an eye posts. Because if it were, that would imply that my problem was just a poor state of mood, a bad week, or even just me not realizing some key fact and then, because of some revelation or God's presence, everything was miraculously perfect again. This is not that story.
Not to say that God couldn't or even doesn't make everything wonderful or make everything miraculously perfect, but I feel like God doesn't usually choose to work that way, at least not in this type of situation. In some cases, where the problem is a single incorrect notion or a simply distance from God, or some kind a problem between you and God, He can and sometimes does instantly make everything feel right with the world again, depending on the situation.
This darkness that took up residence inside of my and the slump that followed was not a problem between me and God, it was a problem between me and evil, and thus, a problem between me and myself for which I enlisted the help of God. In fact, I came to realize the problem was that I had tried to fight off darkness for so long on my own, trying to be strong enough, forgetting to tap into God's strength, and so I became tired, weak, and fell prey to all sorts of dark thoughts.
Even my roommate and co-workers were thrown off by how off I was. After being somewhat snappy and terse about something or another one of my co-workers asked very concernedly if I was okay. Talking to my roommate this week she recalled, "I didn't know what to do. I've never seen you like this before." Long story short, I was not okay.
But I digress, the point here is that my problem was and is the continual problem of all human kind- that of having a constantly sinful nature and needing to make an effort to battle it. The problem was with my own will, giving it over to God, and doing the work it takes to give it over (which is kind of an interesting notion, but I won't go into that now). Because God gives us free will, he won't force us to give our will over to Him and force our decisions and thoughts on a daily basis to change for the better. And this is what I needed, to change them for the better, work on continually loving people. Thus, by that logic, God would not do something miraculous to make everything better because the source of my problem is within the domain of myself over which God has given me free reign. And free reign over myself, well, that's just trouble. Thank God I have God to help me out and guide me, right?
So, this week has not been easy, it has been a continual effort to work on loving people all the time and make an effort to live my life in Christ, to go back to making the efforts I was before this exhaustion took over. And it's hard getting back on the wagon. And of course, a whole ton of prayer and quality God time has been involved. After a few days I just felt the joy come back- I could see beauty in the world again. The fog that highlighted everything, every edge of the hills thrilled me, I felt like I was flying into the sunrise as I drove to work on a beautiful day listening to music my best friend burned for me. I genuinely laughed with my students and friends, and I finally appreciated a few moments of work for being precious and something that I will not be able to hold until. I was able to cherish moments of my life again. It's amazing and interesting how loving and working on walking in Christ taps you into this fountain of Joy. But I suppose that makes sense as God IS pure joy (among many other things), so tapping into Him means tapping into Joy itself.
This week the grass even came up- there is green on my planet again. I can't tell you how much the sight of that just opens up my soul and makes me feel alive again. It shoots up through the dark dirt and is suddenly green and bright, feeding off the light. Perhaps this culmination, this realization of the darkness that had enveloped me was like the final straw, the last second I could take from winter before I broke through the darkness, out into the light with new life.
Today I played the piano next to my open balcony door, the sunlight streaming in, a soft breeze playing with my hair as if God were continually saying hello. I played bright, happy, notes, major staccato chords. Improvising, letting the notes float out on the breeze that had a breath like summer. My roommate came in the door and asked how I was as I joyfully plinked away on the keys, I smiled and said I was amazing, that it was a beautiful day.
I am much better, although I am still not all the way okay. But glory hallelujah it is spring, there is new life in the world around me, there is new life in my chest, and by His Grace there is redemption so if I praying, keep working, keep looking for the light, I think I'll be more than fine.
Lloyd (see week 37) was right, I can give my love, my light, away freely, because God gives it right back. He restores our souls. Of course, the process of giving out our light is continual and one that requires constant effort and diligence, it is not some miraculous quick fix. Giving out light is a life long project that is easy to view as a chore, that is, until He fills you back up with light even brighter than you could conceive, and when you remember that, you can't help but give it out freely and joyfully.
But prayer is an amazing thing and our God is an amazing God so this week has been much better. But this is not one of those uplifting, sha-la-la,-things-are-terrible, but-God-makes-everything-wonderful-again-in-the-blink of an eye posts. Because if it were, that would imply that my problem was just a poor state of mood, a bad week, or even just me not realizing some key fact and then, because of some revelation or God's presence, everything was miraculously perfect again. This is not that story.
Not to say that God couldn't or even doesn't make everything wonderful or make everything miraculously perfect, but I feel like God doesn't usually choose to work that way, at least not in this type of situation. In some cases, where the problem is a single incorrect notion or a simply distance from God, or some kind a problem between you and God, He can and sometimes does instantly make everything feel right with the world again, depending on the situation.
This darkness that took up residence inside of my and the slump that followed was not a problem between me and God, it was a problem between me and evil, and thus, a problem between me and myself for which I enlisted the help of God. In fact, I came to realize the problem was that I had tried to fight off darkness for so long on my own, trying to be strong enough, forgetting to tap into God's strength, and so I became tired, weak, and fell prey to all sorts of dark thoughts.
Even my roommate and co-workers were thrown off by how off I was. After being somewhat snappy and terse about something or another one of my co-workers asked very concernedly if I was okay. Talking to my roommate this week she recalled, "I didn't know what to do. I've never seen you like this before." Long story short, I was not okay.
But I digress, the point here is that my problem was and is the continual problem of all human kind- that of having a constantly sinful nature and needing to make an effort to battle it. The problem was with my own will, giving it over to God, and doing the work it takes to give it over (which is kind of an interesting notion, but I won't go into that now). Because God gives us free will, he won't force us to give our will over to Him and force our decisions and thoughts on a daily basis to change for the better. And this is what I needed, to change them for the better, work on continually loving people. Thus, by that logic, God would not do something miraculous to make everything better because the source of my problem is within the domain of myself over which God has given me free reign. And free reign over myself, well, that's just trouble. Thank God I have God to help me out and guide me, right?
So, this week has not been easy, it has been a continual effort to work on loving people all the time and make an effort to live my life in Christ, to go back to making the efforts I was before this exhaustion took over. And it's hard getting back on the wagon. And of course, a whole ton of prayer and quality God time has been involved. After a few days I just felt the joy come back- I could see beauty in the world again. The fog that highlighted everything, every edge of the hills thrilled me, I felt like I was flying into the sunrise as I drove to work on a beautiful day listening to music my best friend burned for me. I genuinely laughed with my students and friends, and I finally appreciated a few moments of work for being precious and something that I will not be able to hold until. I was able to cherish moments of my life again. It's amazing and interesting how loving and working on walking in Christ taps you into this fountain of Joy. But I suppose that makes sense as God IS pure joy (among many other things), so tapping into Him means tapping into Joy itself.
This week the grass even came up- there is green on my planet again. I can't tell you how much the sight of that just opens up my soul and makes me feel alive again. It shoots up through the dark dirt and is suddenly green and bright, feeding off the light. Perhaps this culmination, this realization of the darkness that had enveloped me was like the final straw, the last second I could take from winter before I broke through the darkness, out into the light with new life.
Today I played the piano next to my open balcony door, the sunlight streaming in, a soft breeze playing with my hair as if God were continually saying hello. I played bright, happy, notes, major staccato chords. Improvising, letting the notes float out on the breeze that had a breath like summer. My roommate came in the door and asked how I was as I joyfully plinked away on the keys, I smiled and said I was amazing, that it was a beautiful day.
I am much better, although I am still not all the way okay. But glory hallelujah it is spring, there is new life in the world around me, there is new life in my chest, and by His Grace there is redemption so if I praying, keep working, keep looking for the light, I think I'll be more than fine.
Lloyd (see week 37) was right, I can give my love, my light, away freely, because God gives it right back. He restores our souls. Of course, the process of giving out our light is continual and one that requires constant effort and diligence, it is not some miraculous quick fix. Giving out light is a life long project that is easy to view as a chore, that is, until He fills you back up with light even brighter than you could conceive, and when you remember that, you can't help but give it out freely and joyfully.
Week 37: The most dangerous death... (and the tricky things about exhaustion and love)
is the one you don't see coming, the one that kills a part of you you didn't expect to die. Perhaps you didn't even believe this part of you could die. It can come after a great tragedy, a great pain. Something earthshaking, so big that by sheer probability you don't expect anything else as dangerous to come around for a long time. This great tragedy threatens to knock you down, topple your walls. But it's obvious, you see it coming like a Tsunami- you feel the shock so you run even before the wave is visible- it can catch you. You seek High ground. Eventually the waves subside, leaving all kinds of damage and debris but you, your whole self, is still alive. Yet the water remains in low lying areas, it seeps down deep, into your foundations, slowing wearing at them, silently breaking you until one day, there is a noticeable crack, a frightening, seemingly irreparable gap. It's the silent aftermath, that gets in under your radar, and cracks your insides- the very basis of your being. And if your foundation is completely destroyed, your entire house eventually crumbles. This is the most dangerous death- dangerous because it's the most difficult to prevent and because of the area it targets, the most deadly.
Perhaps I've been slacking in updating on my 70 weeks lately because it's just a process of recalling unpleasantness, rehashing the battles I'm fighting, or the ways in which I feel dead. And I suppose I also feel the obligation to be somewhat positive in updating this- I don't want this blog to be a vent session, I want it to seriously explore theological and philosophical themes in a way that is constructive and somehow provokes the thoughts of people who read it. So, I had to wait until all my grumpiness turned into some actual deep and constructive thought in order to write to you. Needless to say, I'm a few weeks behind so I will be posting in rapid succession.
First off, it's no secret that my mother's medical issues have been impacting my 70 weeks, where I am spiritually, emotionally, etc. In addition, my work situation is stressful and I have been working in the same place for the length of time it takes most teachers to get burnt out (a year and a half to two years where I work is usually the point where you see most of even the most positive and dedicated teachers starting to get tired and fed up- some amazing people never show the signs, but unfortunately, I'm not one of them). Here's the thing- when work got stressful, I fought back, I was still pushing through being who I wanted to be- loving, working on how I was viewing people and interacting in the environment around me. When things suddenly looked really terrible with my mother medically, I cried and had to battle with it, but the evil was so recognizable that I fought back. I was diligent in prayer, God gave me peace, I was ok or at least more ok than I should have been and in fact, doing great spiritually. "Wow, I thought, I must be super strong, I made it through this." But then, the evil didn't go away, bad things kept happening, work remained stressful, my mother's health continued to deteriorate, and last week, I found out she now has cancer in her one remaining lung in addition to her brain.
Heh. Evil is so tricky like that. First, it doesn't just come and go- it stays, it's a persistent, nasty thing. And not only does it stay, it goes underground, quiet, so you don't notice it, you let your guard down and just when you do, it slips in. And not only does it do that, it gives you pride for thinking you've beaten it (even when you haven't) and now you've committed a sin! So now, evil is two fold in my life: 1) attacking me spiritually/emotionally 2) now a part of my behavior in the form of pride.
But it doesn't stop there. While it silently attacks, it slowly gets into your behavior further- pushing you to commit more sin and thus move further from God. It's attacks slowly, imperceptibly until suddenly you feel the weight of the world and you're exhausted. So you say, "my life is really tough right now, I'm exhausted, I need a break" and you cut yourself some slack. But not always in the good areas like giving yourself more time to pray, more sleep at night, healthier food. You give yourself less work and more time by doing fewer things for others, even giving your brain and spirit less work by stopping to continually strive in your everyday thoughts to love others, and hold sin (like pride, lust, and just hurtful thoughts) captive. Now, you have a disease- of exhaustion and pride- a vicious circle. Because you're exhausted, you allow sin to enter which makes you more exhausted, allowing more sin to enter, and on and on it goes until you realize you're burnt out from the passions you feel you have due to convictions from God and suddenly, you're just an exhausted, sinful, passionless mess that is pushed so far down, you're barely up to asking for (and sometimes even doubting the power of) redemption to help you out of this crater (and we know it could, the problem is asking for it and believing in it in order to receive it, which sin is so good at preventing you from doing because sin likes to stay, it hates being pushed away).
When I said dangerous, I was not kidding.
And so I was exhausted and burnt out with my work and life in general. And for me, being burnt out of my job feels like a personal sin. I spoke earlier about this "tsunami" being dangerous because of the place it targets- your foundations. And that is exactly what happened. My foundation is obviously my relationship with God but my relationship with God initially was founded in my work with children. I first came to know God almost through my call to work with kids. My relationship with and understanding of God has developed and He ultimately is my foundation, but my faith is still extremely linked to my calling and my work, in a way that can sometimes present problems.
But, I have always said that if I had any quality that made me a good teacher, it would be my love for kids and my passion for teaching, that anything else good spawned from that (and that love comes from God). I remember always scoffing at teachers who "burnt out" and I even remember proclaiming to someone defiantly, "I don't burn out."
So this evil, this exhaustion, this gradual, imperceptible growth of darkness inside me completely shook me when I realized it had targeted the very core of me- my passion for what I do, and thus threatening, not necessarily my faith, but how I live it out and thus my walk with God and everyone else around me. In short, I was not the person I wanted to be, was still struggling with my mother's medical issues, and even what I should do next year at work as the age of students I work with/the type of program I'm involved in will impact where I will go after I leave here, the type of job I'll get, and really how effective I will be wherever I am based on the type of experience I get. Needless to say, I was trying to pray about where I should go next year and after my 70 weeks while in the middle of a crises regarding what is at the heart of my 70 weeks: my calling, what I should be doing with it, how I should be executing it, and how I should be working toward glorifying God with it.
Of course, all of this clarity on the issue took a while to come, and it came from a lot of introspection and prayer. I spent a lot of the week completely drained and really at the end of my rope. Of all the things that have been happening in my life lately, nothing has thrown me off as much as suddenly realizing that I had "burnt out" because I simply can't be "burnt out"- were I to remain that way I would be an ineffective teacher, ineffective in my daily ministry with everyone around me, and continually growing more and more distant from God. Terrible things happening doesn't necessarily alter you at your core- this slow attack on my core was much worse, much harder even though you wouldn't guess it. Finally, at my wits end I went for healing prayer while at church, which is something I've never done. First of all, I may ask for prayers during "prayers of the people," but I've never gone with the intercessors for healing prayer because, well, I never really needed healing. Sure, I needed answers, comfort, many people in my life needed healing, but I was never sick to require that specific type of prayer. Last week, I felt like I was broken, I was spiritually sick, I didn't know what else to do. One of the intercessors, Lloyd, who is quite an old character- a Vietnam vet with a booming voice- said, well, more like yelled at me, "LOOK AT ME. I GIVE YOU MY LIGHT. I GIVE IT TO YOU. I GIVE IT TO YOU FREELY because I KNOW that He will give it BACK TO ME, HE WILL REPLENISH IT ENDLESSLY." And it was then I realized my problem.
I left church and went to Chauncy lake for the first time since fall. If you recall, Chauncy Lake is where I wrote the first pieces that have become the early posts of this blog. It is where I went last summer to walk and talk with God and really worked on my 70 DAYS of loving God properly. Since it was a warmer and sunny day that was approaching spring, I was able to finally go again. At first, I felt like I was in a graveyard. The trees, once green and luscious, were still bare bones, the blue of the sky still held the harsher hues of winter, and everything with littered with colorless leaves from the fall that had never blown away. They just remained like remnants of my usual hellish falls and winters.
But slowly, I let my heart soften, stopped talking and started listening, just feeling God's presence again like I had when I had walked here when it was warm, before everything fell apart. I thought about what Lloyd said and realized that I had been holding back my light- from co-workers, from students, from everyone I had been around. I was not making an effort to love them, to act in love toward them, to actively think and walk in Christ every day. And I had done it because I felt too tired and that I had felt that so much of my light had been drained by all the circumstances around me that maybe I felt I couldn't give it away, I didn't have enough. I had to selfishly hold the light that I had, keep it closed in inside. But a light hidden under a bowl goes out.
After much prayer it seemed that the cure of this exhaustion, this burn out, was more work, more effort to "walk the walk," stop slacking in an effort to live my life in Christ- the cure for this was more love. Love is a lot of work, but when it's Love that comes from God, it's light, both luminous and lacking in weight, and it's a renewable resource. Lloyd was right, God gives us light and love endlessly so we can give it away freely. And, I find, when we don't give it away freely, we ourselves are in chains.
Perhaps I've been slacking in updating on my 70 weeks lately because it's just a process of recalling unpleasantness, rehashing the battles I'm fighting, or the ways in which I feel dead. And I suppose I also feel the obligation to be somewhat positive in updating this- I don't want this blog to be a vent session, I want it to seriously explore theological and philosophical themes in a way that is constructive and somehow provokes the thoughts of people who read it. So, I had to wait until all my grumpiness turned into some actual deep and constructive thought in order to write to you. Needless to say, I'm a few weeks behind so I will be posting in rapid succession.
First off, it's no secret that my mother's medical issues have been impacting my 70 weeks, where I am spiritually, emotionally, etc. In addition, my work situation is stressful and I have been working in the same place for the length of time it takes most teachers to get burnt out (a year and a half to two years where I work is usually the point where you see most of even the most positive and dedicated teachers starting to get tired and fed up- some amazing people never show the signs, but unfortunately, I'm not one of them). Here's the thing- when work got stressful, I fought back, I was still pushing through being who I wanted to be- loving, working on how I was viewing people and interacting in the environment around me. When things suddenly looked really terrible with my mother medically, I cried and had to battle with it, but the evil was so recognizable that I fought back. I was diligent in prayer, God gave me peace, I was ok or at least more ok than I should have been and in fact, doing great spiritually. "Wow, I thought, I must be super strong, I made it through this." But then, the evil didn't go away, bad things kept happening, work remained stressful, my mother's health continued to deteriorate, and last week, I found out she now has cancer in her one remaining lung in addition to her brain.
Heh. Evil is so tricky like that. First, it doesn't just come and go- it stays, it's a persistent, nasty thing. And not only does it stay, it goes underground, quiet, so you don't notice it, you let your guard down and just when you do, it slips in. And not only does it do that, it gives you pride for thinking you've beaten it (even when you haven't) and now you've committed a sin! So now, evil is two fold in my life: 1) attacking me spiritually/emotionally 2) now a part of my behavior in the form of pride.
But it doesn't stop there. While it silently attacks, it slowly gets into your behavior further- pushing you to commit more sin and thus move further from God. It's attacks slowly, imperceptibly until suddenly you feel the weight of the world and you're exhausted. So you say, "my life is really tough right now, I'm exhausted, I need a break" and you cut yourself some slack. But not always in the good areas like giving yourself more time to pray, more sleep at night, healthier food. You give yourself less work and more time by doing fewer things for others, even giving your brain and spirit less work by stopping to continually strive in your everyday thoughts to love others, and hold sin (like pride, lust, and just hurtful thoughts) captive. Now, you have a disease- of exhaustion and pride- a vicious circle. Because you're exhausted, you allow sin to enter which makes you more exhausted, allowing more sin to enter, and on and on it goes until you realize you're burnt out from the passions you feel you have due to convictions from God and suddenly, you're just an exhausted, sinful, passionless mess that is pushed so far down, you're barely up to asking for (and sometimes even doubting the power of) redemption to help you out of this crater (and we know it could, the problem is asking for it and believing in it in order to receive it, which sin is so good at preventing you from doing because sin likes to stay, it hates being pushed away).
When I said dangerous, I was not kidding.
And so I was exhausted and burnt out with my work and life in general. And for me, being burnt out of my job feels like a personal sin. I spoke earlier about this "tsunami" being dangerous because of the place it targets- your foundations. And that is exactly what happened. My foundation is obviously my relationship with God but my relationship with God initially was founded in my work with children. I first came to know God almost through my call to work with kids. My relationship with and understanding of God has developed and He ultimately is my foundation, but my faith is still extremely linked to my calling and my work, in a way that can sometimes present problems.
But, I have always said that if I had any quality that made me a good teacher, it would be my love for kids and my passion for teaching, that anything else good spawned from that (and that love comes from God). I remember always scoffing at teachers who "burnt out" and I even remember proclaiming to someone defiantly, "I don't burn out."
So this evil, this exhaustion, this gradual, imperceptible growth of darkness inside me completely shook me when I realized it had targeted the very core of me- my passion for what I do, and thus threatening, not necessarily my faith, but how I live it out and thus my walk with God and everyone else around me. In short, I was not the person I wanted to be, was still struggling with my mother's medical issues, and even what I should do next year at work as the age of students I work with/the type of program I'm involved in will impact where I will go after I leave here, the type of job I'll get, and really how effective I will be wherever I am based on the type of experience I get. Needless to say, I was trying to pray about where I should go next year and after my 70 weeks while in the middle of a crises regarding what is at the heart of my 70 weeks: my calling, what I should be doing with it, how I should be executing it, and how I should be working toward glorifying God with it.
Of course, all of this clarity on the issue took a while to come, and it came from a lot of introspection and prayer. I spent a lot of the week completely drained and really at the end of my rope. Of all the things that have been happening in my life lately, nothing has thrown me off as much as suddenly realizing that I had "burnt out" because I simply can't be "burnt out"- were I to remain that way I would be an ineffective teacher, ineffective in my daily ministry with everyone around me, and continually growing more and more distant from God. Terrible things happening doesn't necessarily alter you at your core- this slow attack on my core was much worse, much harder even though you wouldn't guess it. Finally, at my wits end I went for healing prayer while at church, which is something I've never done. First of all, I may ask for prayers during "prayers of the people," but I've never gone with the intercessors for healing prayer because, well, I never really needed healing. Sure, I needed answers, comfort, many people in my life needed healing, but I was never sick to require that specific type of prayer. Last week, I felt like I was broken, I was spiritually sick, I didn't know what else to do. One of the intercessors, Lloyd, who is quite an old character- a Vietnam vet with a booming voice- said, well, more like yelled at me, "LOOK AT ME. I GIVE YOU MY LIGHT. I GIVE IT TO YOU. I GIVE IT TO YOU FREELY because I KNOW that He will give it BACK TO ME, HE WILL REPLENISH IT ENDLESSLY." And it was then I realized my problem.
I left church and went to Chauncy lake for the first time since fall. If you recall, Chauncy Lake is where I wrote the first pieces that have become the early posts of this blog. It is where I went last summer to walk and talk with God and really worked on my 70 DAYS of loving God properly. Since it was a warmer and sunny day that was approaching spring, I was able to finally go again. At first, I felt like I was in a graveyard. The trees, once green and luscious, were still bare bones, the blue of the sky still held the harsher hues of winter, and everything with littered with colorless leaves from the fall that had never blown away. They just remained like remnants of my usual hellish falls and winters.
But slowly, I let my heart soften, stopped talking and started listening, just feeling God's presence again like I had when I had walked here when it was warm, before everything fell apart. I thought about what Lloyd said and realized that I had been holding back my light- from co-workers, from students, from everyone I had been around. I was not making an effort to love them, to act in love toward them, to actively think and walk in Christ every day. And I had done it because I felt too tired and that I had felt that so much of my light had been drained by all the circumstances around me that maybe I felt I couldn't give it away, I didn't have enough. I had to selfishly hold the light that I had, keep it closed in inside. But a light hidden under a bowl goes out.
After much prayer it seemed that the cure of this exhaustion, this burn out, was more work, more effort to "walk the walk," stop slacking in an effort to live my life in Christ- the cure for this was more love. Love is a lot of work, but when it's Love that comes from God, it's light, both luminous and lacking in weight, and it's a renewable resource. Lloyd was right, God gives us light and love endlessly so we can give it away freely. And, I find, when we don't give it away freely, we ourselves are in chains.
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