I'm a little late in posting this, but I couldn't skip week 35 as it marks the halfway point in my 70 weeks. I must admit, I haven't been focusing on the prayer of where I should be as much as I should. I've been working on trying to focus my prayers- really keep my 70 weeks and my future in prayer. In general, I've been losing touch with God a bit- just not having quality time. I'm especially trying to remedy that during Lent and have been pushing forward more in prayer about where God wants me. This is more of an update post rather than a philosophical post as my 70 weeks as evolved a little.
Reality, however, has been knocking on my door these past two weeks (which is also why I've put off this post- I don't want to deal with reality). Political issues with the new and ridiculous(ly terrible and unconscionable) bill in Wisconsin may mean that jobs back home in IL/WI in a year and a half (when I would move back) will be hard to come by or a bad idea because classes could have 40 students with special ed students completely included (in WI) and highly qualified teachers from WI will be looking for work in IL because of the poor situation for teachers in WI.
There are a lot more details I'm to exhausted to discuss, but in short, a conversation with my mentor (and old professor) led me to believe being a public school teacher (which is where I had felt called up until this point in my 70 weeks- and where I still feel called) is unrealistic and that I should embrace all the opportunities I would have with my BCBA/master's degree in applied behavior analysis. He's beginning a program to train BCBAs in WI and would like me to teach at my alma mater (Carthage), supervise BCBAs, and potentially eventually direct the program. I could see myself doing this potentially many many many years down the line if God called me to it, but not now. But my mentor made my calling seem like such a hopeless case, that I should at least go into consulting and parent training. All of this feels so phony- I haven't taught enough in the public schools to consult for them and tell them how to run things.
I feel called to teach- to teach teach. Special ed students in a public school. But my mentor, my mother- they all sound disappointed, like I should do "more" (which, what really is more than being a teacher on the front lines?), they talk as if I'll grow out of this notion. And I still feel like God wants me to teach teacher, but then again, I don't know anymore. I'm just generally confused and thus praying more specifically about my next phase of life, as I said earlier.
And in general, I'm still just so exhausted- my entire life just feels like a heavy weight I can't lay down. At least I've had some quality God time this weekend. I had a pretty spiritual experience at the Over the Rhine concert I went to on Friday- realizing how far I've come, and just singing along to a lot of their songs like I was at a praise concert- and in a way, that's what it was.
I took the bus back from New York City today and lay down on the seat, the sun shining through the glass roof of the double-decker bus. I skipped over all the songs on my praise/Christian related playlist that talked about all the ways we fail, how much we need to repent to God, how we need to change our behavior. I know all that, I'm far too focused on all that right now, to the point where I nearly doubt my redemption because I realize just how much I fail. So, I listened to "bridge over troubled water," playing it over and over hoping to feel comfort and trust from God- that he would remove my burden when I'm "weary, feeling small." And for the most part, He did- I felt His presence surrounding me, warming me, although I still didn't have any clearer answers.
When I hit Boston, groggy and still confused and cranky, I went down to the redline to catch the T home. A man was playing a classical guitar- the song was just exactly what my soul needed to hear. Warm and alive- I can't describe it beyond that. I dropped a dollar in- I usually just do change- because his music was exactly what I needed. I stood on the platform, swaying back and forth, and just felt God with me- more clearly this time- and more specifically, I felt Jesus. So strongly I'd almost swear He was there, had come down in the body of a street performer to play this song just for me. Tears came to my eyes and the train appeared- a soft warm light. So maybe I don't know where I'm going, but if it's the right train, I think I'll be alright.
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