One question I've struggled with for a while is the specificity of God's will for each of us. I have friends who believe God has a general will for the world, but that, because we have free will, God is not specific about many of our individual choices and life circumstances, as long as they do not fall within the realm of sin. I have a friend who feels God gives him some general parameters but (purposely) leaves many of the specifics, and often seemingly major details up to him. Another friend feels God never gives her specifics of what she should do- only a general inclination to one general place, and then what she should do follows- that is, if she gets clear convictions or direction at all. In fact, a majority of the people I know feel they don't get clear direction from God, and they crave it (although, some are happy or simply at peace with the generality). This has always thrown me off because I'm generally the opposite. I have always felt God had a specific plan for me life- that there was something very specific I was supposed to do. And we're not just talking profession. I feel called to be a teacher (and God's will is related to this), but many people who feel God's will with them is not very specific still feel called by God to a profession. The difference (I think) with me is that there is at least one thing (more likely a large scale set of things)I am supposed to accomplish with my calling- and God is not general. He has always been very specific. Not that he ever gives me clear answers on what exactly it is I'm journeying towards, but the path has always been very narrow. I've felt many inclinations that teaching in a certain place, going down a certain path within my profession, was not the journey God had planned for me. I've also felt called to very specific places and aspects of my profession (and other areas of my life as well). I find myself having to be very careful because I am often offered many opportunities to do things I would enjoy, things I would be good at, things seemingly within my calling, but that are not part of the specific path God has planned for me.
God has always been very specific in my life- in multiple areas. I think sometimes I forget this, and try to take my own way. Sometimes I hear my friends talking of all their general answers from God- the freedom they feel they have to choose where they go, what they do, who they're in a relationship with. I've never felt I had this freedom. Am I crazy? Am I wrong in thinking God is this specific about His will for me and maybe His will for me is just as general as it is for the next person? Is His will more specific than other people realize? Or, is it that His will is specific for some and more general for others based on who each person is as well as the nature of what God has planned for them? Maybe with some people, God needs to be more specific than others.
Since my mother has gotten sick in the past few years, our relationship has really evolved. I'd say healed, because it's improved and some broken things have become unbroken- but I feel like "healed" implies that it once was right, was broken, and is better again. But many parts of our relationship, I can't remember when they were ever right, ever as they are now. Especially in more recent times, we're much more open with each other. I feel like our openness and ability to talk deeply about emotions and faith with each other (which we didn't do for many years when I was younger, despite being very close)increases with each medical scare she has. This week, it was leukemia. Blood tests made it look like a very real possibility, and though a visit with her oncologist a few days later confirmed it wasn't, I think it still partially fueled one of our more serious and personal conversations.
Mom and I rarely talk faith/God. It happens more and more these days as my faith is much more developed (although, despite growing up in a church, the same one my mother is a member of, it developed very independently from my mother)and as my mother is attending church more and in a small group bible study with women from church. Although, I find my mother now often turns to me asking my opinion of things, and I'm surprised how much mine differs from hers- often in that mine might be labeled a little more "extreme." More likely, mine is founded on the scripture I've read in more recent years. Mom doesn't read scripture very often- she has a collection of views of God from her personal experience with Him that she uses as a basis for her faith. Recently it came up that some women in her bible study expressed being angry with God, even resentful. And my mother expressed how shocked she was, saying she never felt angry with God, asking if that was weird. She asked if I ever felt angry with God and was kind of surprised and interested when I told her about my "fights" with God. "Really?! You don't really mean FIGHT, though, right?" she said. "Um, yeah, I think I do. Not "FIGHT" because he'd win- but we get in tiffs," I said. She was surprised, I explained that the main issue would be my feeling resentful of God because I felt He often required specific things of me that I did not always want to ascent to. Usually involving giving up worldly things I wanted in order to conform to the specificity of His will. In a way, I occasionally look at myself as the victim of destiny, which is not at all healthy. I'm getting much better at it, but in my darkest times, when I'm resentful of God, that is likely the reason why. I talked of how specific I felt God had been with me and my mother didn't really need to hear details. "That makes sense she said. What you're saying makes sense with everything I've always known about you since you were little."
This surprised me, and yet it didn't. First of all, you have to understand my relationship with my mother. We don't talk about faith. My mother knows that I am called, but we have never spoken of the specifics of the convictions I feel I have directly from God. And while my mother has often said she felt I was called- as she had since I was in high school- I was surprised she knew when I was that young. Although, I shouldn't be- because I knew at a young age- perhaps 7- that God had something planned for me that I was supposed to do. Something specific. So if I knew, I suppose mother's always know everything, she must have known as well. I asked her why specifically and she said there was just something about how I was as well as how I came to be born and how our lives worked out. She never really was on "the mommy track," never really wanted kids until she felt kind of called to it in her mid thirties. My mother has stated before she got married in order to have a child. My parents were married a short time as my father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and my mother struggled financially as a single parent. Things were tough for us at times, but we always had what we needed. Even though it was just the two of us for a long time, things always just seemed to "magically" work out. I've always felt all the events of my life lined up perfectly pointing in a direction- every single piece of the puzzle fits to point to exactly where God wants me next- all the little aspects blend into and lend to each other perfectly. Mom always said she felt she was "protected" because she needed to care for me. She said she worried when I moved out and became more self sufficient that she wouldn't be protected any more, and I think she thinks this sickness has come about now because circumstances are such that it wouldn't necessarily be greatly detrimental to my path. In short, my mother seemed to understand perfectly that God gave me very specific directions because she had felt it herself. I think of anyone, my mother seems to understand the nature of my being called- what it means, how it affects me, what God wants from me, more than anyone else. And it's not because she's experienced it herself- I think God has been pretty general in His will for her. But, perhaps that's the mother child bond, maybe it's something about having been part of my mother at one time, and I being a part of her- there's something innate in me that only she could comprehend. And, when I speak of my calling, I think I generally sound boastful, ridiculous, pompous, full of myself (which I'm sure I have throughout this entire post) but my mother doesn't seem to find it ridiculous or boastful at all- she thinks it makes complete sense with who I am. But, my mother has known me all my life, so she just KNOWS me.
The point of all this being, after discussing with my mother, I have definitely come to the conclusion that God's will is very specific for some and more general for others- at least, the part that he reveals differs. His will may be very specific for everyone- but he may be more specific in what he reveals to each person. I think this last idea is really dependent on how free you think your will is and how much is predestined. I'm still meditating on that.
But this idea of God's specificity for my life- in all areas, is really opening up how I look at things. While I've always known He's been specific, I haven't broken it down into this idea before- that He's particularly specific with me, and that it branches into ALL parts of my life. If you've read my more recent posts, you might recall a conversation I had with Him recently about being ready for a relationship. Well, further conversations and thoughts have made me realize how specificity applies there as well. The area of relationships is confusing for me because I was never a "mommy track" person- unlike many of my female friends, I don't believe you can plan to get married or have kids- you can't put it on your to-do list. Maybe some people can, but with the specifics God has planned for me, I can't. If God has a general plan for you- you may be able to say God's will is for you to be a wife/husband and potentially a mother/father. Some may say that God is ok with it, whatever they choose. I feel like any relationship is going to impact so many other areas of my life where God is so specific, that this is not an area where God is neutral on whatever I decide to do.
And most recently I realized something- I am not called to just teach in general somewhere- I am called to teach special needs children with the most rehabilitative practices and I'm called to do this in a certain place, in a certain capacity, with certain students. Just as I am called in that way, I am not called to be a wife or a mother- and I don't want to be a wife ore a mother. I'm called to be SOMEONE's wife, and those someone's mother. I don't want to get married to get married, I don't want a relationship for the sake of a relationship. I want there to be someone who makes me want to get married/be in a relationship, with whom I feel called to be in a relationship/ marry. And I think I have to feel this way. I settle for nothing less than being called by God into a work circumstance, so why would I settle for less than that with a potentially life long relationship?
Again, not that any of this is immediately pressing. There are no circumstances making this revelation imminent but I feel as though God is preparing me. This 70 weeks is not only a time to straighten out my relationship with God and pray about my course of action at the end of my program here, I think it's a time where God is working to get me ready for my next phase of life. He's preparing me for what I need to look for in a relationship, how to recognize it when I see it, He's preparing me for the kinds of things I'll need to do in my work with students and colleagues, he's even preparing me for losing my mother. Mom and I have talked that we don't expect her to live beyond the next ten years- and we're doubting she'll be around much longer than 5 (although who knows?). But I've faced what appeared to be her imminent death already this year- to come out of it- but yet to appreciate it and know to appreciate her while I have her. At the same time, I'm beginning to cope with and comprehend the idea of being alone as mom is my only family. Mom and I discussed how, if I ever have children, she will very likely not be alive. Knowing that, preparing for that, I think will make it a lot less hurtful when the time comes. If I ever were to marry, I may have to walk down the aisle alone (as the only person I'd have walk me would be my mother- it doesn't make sense for anyone else to do it). I may move back home alone to an empty condo full of my mother's things, I may face unexpected relationships, I may face the hardship of schools where my educational practices are not expected or understood, where doing the best for students means risking a lot of things and takes a lot of courage.
In short, I think my next phase of life is going to be a doozie and God is getting me ready. In a way, I should probably be glorying in my 70 weeks because this is probably a much simpler, much more innocent, and easier time.
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