I've had so many thoughts these past weeks that I couldn't focus them into one post although I tried to write many times. So this post is a menagerie of ideas- maybe I can at least keep each paragraph in the line of one idea. However, as with most of my ideas, they all seem to blend together to make one larger idea- as if my life is planned to make one large point at a certain point in time. It's very cool and definitely leads me to believe that things are carefully divinely planned. That said, I have yet to determine the larger point that all these ideas make- so here is the mess as it is and where I am in my 70 weeks:
In high school, there was a period of time where tears would come to my eyes every day- tears of wonder, tears of joy- just because I was so enraptured by the beauty of the world. I always loved this part of me, that could see beauty like that. When I started dating my high school/college boyfriend I remember telling him that. I don't think he fully understood and with that relationship, I lost the ability to see beauty in the world like that for a long time. I remember when the relationship ended- it came back to me very quickly- that ability to be brought to tears over some inexplicable beauty. I think it came back with my relationship with God. As, how can you love creation fully if you don't love the creator fully? Within the past few weeks I celebrated my three year anniversary of being me (in other words, 3 year anniversary of being single) which is always a thoughtful time for me. This year, I celebrated where I am, who I am, and my stronger relationship with God that truly developed within these past 3 years. I also celebrated my ability to cry at simple beauty, which I actually haven't done in a while.
I drove home after a typical day at work, but one that just went right. I had done decently right by my students and other staff, I had passed a test, delicious food was in the cafeteria, and my students had just been full of so many precious moments. Driving home, I recalled a few of those moments and just started laughing, then crying at the beauty of the culmination of everything in my day- my students faces, their comments, my love for them, the bond between other staff, the friends I had made out here, the way we can all communicate with just a look, how close I feel with all of them. And I cried in wonder of it, in sorrow that in not too long a time I will be losing it, and then began to laugh with joy at the fact that I could love so many things with such magnitude all in one moment. And I thanked God for being able to know that feeling, for having the privilege of knowing all of the people I have ever known and shared a close word with.I cried because I could cry at beauty again.
But, throughout the past few weeks I especially tended towards appreciating what I have now, but with bittersweetness, always involving a deep sense of sorrow that the life I have now, that I love so much, will be gone so soon. In about a year and a half, very likely. The purpose of my 70 weeks is to determine what my next phase in life is through prayer and to get myself spiritually straightened out in order to go to that place and do what I'm supposed to do there. In other words, wherever I'm going, I need to have all my spiritual strength about me because I have a feeling it will be a challenge. I talked to one of my advisers about working in the public schools eventually and said, "that's what you're supposed to do with this program anyway, right? Leave here and go where they don't have access to these kinds of programs?" and she said, "no, if you like it here, you stay, but if you have something set up somewhere else, then you can go." Well, I happen to love where I am, but I thought, just because you like being in a certain place doesn't mean you should stay there. Not everyone is me, many people select a place to live because they like the geography, the people, the places around them. They select a place to work because of good hours, good pay, good benefits. For me, work has never been about those things- it's a nice and very useful bonus that I am able to stay clothed, sheltered, fed, and cared for medically as a result, but I always selected my work because of the amount of meaning it provided. I feel as though it's not so much a choice to stay in a place because I like it- there's a sense of duty, or calling to be somewhere else. And if I were to stay where God did not want me to stay, I would be unhappy. Nonetheless, I go to tears at the thought of leaving this beautiful place, this phase in life, even if it isn't for another one and a half to two years. But then I thought, how lucky I am- I never fully leave a place totally willingly with a spirit of wanting to be rid of it. I always leave because I'm propelled forward, forced to move on by another calling, a new phase in life- so I leave every place I've been appreciating it and loving it which means I must live each phase of life pretty fully.
Despite all this, I realize just how ridiculously scared I am of the real world, of my next phase of life. I found myself realizing how I don't have enough courage to do enough for students in the public school. I don't normally think of myself as cowardly- quite the opposite, and the only thing I'm usually afraid of is fear. But I find myself realizing I'm wishy washy when I should advocate for my students- which makes me feel terrible and terrifies me at the same time. So, combine that terror with fear of hating the next place I go (which is silly since I've always loved every place I've ever been led, but I'm a creature that lacks faith, despite how many times I've been shown there is cause for it) and not doing right by all the people involved in my next phase of life, including students, family, friends, people I'm involved in relationships with, and God, you'll see I'm actually full of a lot of fear. And that is never a good thing. So, I continually pray for more guidance on my next phase, less fear, and more courage.
As it turns out, these ideas have come to a bit of a point, although I fear I've neglected incorporating a lot of my ideas and I don't really like the lame prose of this post. But I'll go with it.
Until next week or so...
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