Weeks 45-52: Here I am, Lord

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, but this is my favorite hymn ever and it brings me to tears every time.

You’ll notice I’m summing up 7 weeks- over a month and a half- in one post. Part of this is because I have been so busy but the other part is that I just didn’t want to face any of this, especially by recording it, let alone publishing it publicly because I didn’t even want to be held accountable to God in these past few weeks, let alone any of my friends who happen to be crazy enough to read this blog.

But, these past few weeks led to the beginnings of some conclusions that were the exact purpose of this project of 70 weeks of prayer. I just didn’t expect them. Or want them. Be careful what you pray for- I asked for guidance in my future- and I got it… or at least the beginnings.

Ever feel like something is constantly tugging at you, nagging at you, almost eating you up until you do it or at least agree to comply? Well, this is what God had been doing to me these weeks with a number of things.

First, there was a sudden, off the wall call to ministry different from the usual call I feel to serve children as a teacher and even through youth ministry at my church. It was not a call related to the one I have felt to help children- the one I have felt since I was very young. This was a call to explicit ministry of God's people in general, although I can give you no other details than that. Various events all lined up leading me in this direction: a spiritual gifts inventory (that indicated faith, pastoring, and shepherding as my greatest gifts), suddenly being in a position to mentor older youth in much more serious capacities regarding their faith (through confirmation class and suddenly leading a youth group), conversations with my pastor/experiences at church nearly every week that left me feeling with some aching that there was some purpose I needed to fulfill, talk of seminary (which sounds crazy- I am not at all where I would need to be in a lot of places for that), and last but not least, episodes of feeling a "pull" to strangers- feeling sudden compassion and feelings that were not my own- feelings about their relationship with God/things God wanted for them and the urgent need to explain this to them.

This aching began in Colorado in May as I drove through the mountains on a bus, listening to the band Waterdeep, feeling an urgent call from God that was completely new to me. This pull continued- I felt as if I was not doing something God wanted me to do but yet He had yet to tell me what I should be doing. All I knew is I felt a call to ministry- but I didn't know what kind of ministry or what I was supposed to do. I felt I was supposed to take action without really knowing what action I was to take.

The aching continued as God suddenly gave me feelings toward strangers- the guy making my burrito bowl at chipotle, the girl bagging my groceries, a random woman in a parking lot. I can't even describe the feeling to you- but it is one of urgency, almost agony- like there is a message inside me ready to burst out only I have to force myself to open my mouth. I was so afraid- perhaps of what these strangers would think (which normally, is not an issue for me) that I could not bring myself to talk to these people when called to do it. But the feeling kept coming and I began to feel terrible for being so disobedient to God. These flashes of feeling/calls became burdensome to the point that when one would come upon me, I would find myself saying to God, "not now, please, not now" and would seek forgiveness for disobeying him- but I simply could not bring myself to do what he asked. I began to pray for courage- for him to build me up to doing the task he asked of me.

The sudden flashes of feeling towards strangers let up a bit for a while but the urgent feeling that God wanted me to do something persisted- harassed me, confused me, left me leaving church every Sunday so frustrated with His nagging that I would find myself yelling at God, "WHAT do you WANT from me?!"

In the middle of this my mother fell while at home (where she lives alone although she probably should not due to her deteriorated medical condition) and was in the hospital and then rehabilitation facility to get more physical therapist. After living in the rehabilitation facility for under a week (this place also doubles as a senior home that we looked into for my grandmother years ago when she was still alive) my mother called me and very uncharacteristically asked that I never put her in a place like that, saying she thought she would die there due to how they handled her medicine and expressing frustration at the poor quality of life (and this is one of the nicer senior facilities). She began talking seriously about me coming home, moving in with her to help her pay the mortgage due to financial issues w/ medical bills and figuring out a way for her to live with me later on. Normally my mother would never ask anything of me for herself- she would tell me to put her in a senior citizen home and live my own life. Her medical condition and this experience had definitely gotten to her.
But, of course, leaving my seemingly ideal life out here to come home, teach where what I do is less acceptable, where resources of few, and then moving back in with my mother and caring for her sounded terrible. Basically, it would be giving up my life to take care of her and serve students back home. Talking to strangers about Jesus, answering whatever God was calling me to do instead of what I am comfortable with would be giving up my life in a social manner, sacrificing what people thought of me.

It all came together: God was asking me to give up my life. And I refused. I whined that I couldn't- because of my weakness, my pride, my fear, my lack of trust in God, my selfishness.

I prayed for 50+ weeks for God to tell me what he wants of me in my next phase of life- He gave me a ministry related call that I feel is aimed more at the future (I think He's preparing me so I am less shocked- although some of what I am to do is more eminent) and He began to shape where I should live/what I should do in terms of my situation with my mother. God answered my prayer, and I wanted nothing to do with it.

During this time I had been reading Samuel 1 and 2 and we began doing a bible study on David at church. My pastor began talking about Samuel when he responded to God' call, saying, "here I am, Lord." I marveled at this. God, had in fact, been calling my name. I would hear him simply saying my name and I would plug my internal ears to him and sing "lalalalala" because I did not want to hear what other things he would ask me to do. It was too much.

One day, I ran across that verse in Matthew (and a few other places): "those who wish to save their life will loose it and those who wish to loose it for my sake will save it" and as I mentally rebelled God said to me, "Audrey, stop trying to save your own life, because you can't"

A short while later, I was at the open mic I go to every Friday and a girl who did not know me, but who I had heard of for some time now (from her mother, who regularly attends and has been worried about her daughter's spiritual/life decisions) showed up and performed with her boyfriend. As I listened to her sing I realized everything had come together. Never had she come to open mic before, I had not been to it for many months due to class, I had just been thinking about her on my way to open mic, and God had opened my heart to the idea of talking to strangers about him through the encouragement of my friends and his recent words to me about not saving my own life. The feeling came over me but not with the painful urgency that I could not handle. This was right- this was not a complete stranger, this was a situation I could handle. This was God meeting me where I was. I felt His call, and this time I said, "Here I am, Lord," walked over, and said, "excuse me, this is going to sound strange and I never do this but I just feel called to tell you that God loves you.."

And just like that, I gave up trying to save my life and gave it to Jesus to take care of, because, well, He's the only one who can

Weeks 43 and 44: You're not done yet

When I began writing this post over 3 months ago I had felt I the logistics related to the end of my 70 weeks had been worked out a bit more. I had applied for a switch to another area of work at my school, moving me (hopefully) to a younger team with different students and experiences. I wanted this because I felt I needed more experience teaching different kinds of skills and with different types of behavioral programming to build me up for where I will go next year after I am done working where I am now. I felt this would prepare me more for public school and make me a better teacher for the students I would be working with. In addition, at this point I was burnt out from the bureaucracy and even some of the stressful situations of my position with my students. I found myself counting down the months until I could leave, thinking often about what life would be like next year, how it would be different, and honestly thinking about how, when I saw things that needed to be done that someone else would have to deal with them.
My negativity related to my burn out I supposed focused me on leaving my team rather than on appreciating my time with them.
Then one night I stood outside with a student, watching her paint the May twilight with bubbles. They floated up into the light, catching all the colors of the dying sunset. She would ask me to pop them but the lucky ones escaped my reach, floating up, up, showing the sun that from down below, appeared to have already gone down.
Appreciating the beauty of my situation for what it was, my students for who they are and for what they teach me about life every day I realized this time was precious and not something to throw away or count down the days until it ended. A voice said to me, "you're not done yet." Little did I know then how very much "not done" I was. But more on that later.